Creating an Enviroment for Raising Self-Reliant, Respectful Children

Daryl Hoole gave a presentation to BYU alumna last week and my dear VT went to it and took notes which she shared with me.  I'm passing them along because they seem like a great foundation for parenting today and forever.  Enjoy!      

                                                









                                                                                                            
1.  A loving and listening environment

• Listen to understand
• Give them our time
• Listen with eyes and ears.  Our body language needs to be such that they know we are listening
• The bishop setting his wife apart:  "I promise you that I will give you my best, not what is left over
• Oct. 2009 Gen Conf, Elder Oaks' talk about Love and Law

2.  An exemplary environment

• Always set the example of the behaviors you want your children to demonstrate.  

3.  A respectful, kind, caring environment

• Children mimic behaviors.  If you want to see and hear what children are learning in the home, listen to how they play with and talk to their stuffed toys.  Children are taught how to be disrespectful by society.
• Zero tolerance policy for disrespect
• Turn those disrespectful moments into teaching moments even if it has to wait until everyone has cooled down.
• April 2012 Gen Conf, Pres. Uchtdorf - If something isn't right in your life, then stop it.
• 5:1 ratio of kind words to criticism (John Gottman found that for every criticism and negative comment there has to be at least 5 compliments and positive comments.

4.  A teaching and training environment

• Give children age appropriate chores such as fluffing pillows on the bed first and straightening blankets as they progress
• November 2012 Reader's Digest article "Happy Habit: Make Your Bed!  "The state of your bed is the state of your head.  
• Teach children to respect their own things.  Put toys away.  Put the house to bed before you go to bed.  Managing ones own room well leads to greater responsibility such as using appliances and eventuallyall the way to using a car.  
• Respecting things leads to respecting people which leads to respecting ideals
• Self-reliant children will read the directions.  : )  Her granddaughter asked for help with sewing a zipper.  Sister Hoole had another obligation but said she would help when she got home later that evening.  When she returned the granddaughter had a beautifully sewn-in zipper (which she had never attempted before).  "Who did you ask for help?"  "No one.  I read the directions for the sewing machine and the zipper"  
• If children become too busy/rushed in life to make their beds and do their chores then it's time to trim back the time spent on jobs, school activities, etc.  (She took child home from school to make bed.)
• Required tasks and hired tasks.  Required are the cleaning of rooms, bathrooms, helping prepare meals, regular household chores.  Hired tasks (which children are paid to do) are the extras such as washing windows, performing minor repairs, etc.
• There is no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to be a good mother.  :) :) :)

5.  A gospel-centered environment

• Children sense and know what the priorities are in the home.  There are MANY things in life that are important and can appear or become overly-emphasized priorities.  (Elder Oaks' Oct 2007 Gen Conf message - Good, better, best)  What are the priorities in your home?  Cars?  Music?  Food?  Jobs?  Culture?  Education?  Whatever they are, children sense it.  "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you"
• Jacob Hamblin home:  Chairs around the dinner table faced outward as a physical reminder that prayer was the first priority.
• Link good food to church/sabbath.  Everyone participates in preparing by knowing their responsibility a couple days before.  Who has the salad?  Who will make dessert?  Rolls?  Clean up?  If the food is good and looked forward to as part of the feeling of the Sabbath, it can help children learn to love the special feel of the Sabbath as they grow in the gospel.
• Mosiah 4:14-15  (Not cause children to quarrel one with another...)
• Elder Neal A Maxwell, Apr 1974 Gen Conf (quoting William Law)  "If you have not chosen the kingdom of God first, it will in the end make no difference what you have chosen instead."