Unlocking The Secret to a Successful Marriage

I read two interesting articles about marriage in our newspaper yesterday (Valentines Day). I am always delighted when efforts are made to strengthen marriages and families. The family is the fundamental unity of society, and we need to do everything possible to strengthen that truth. Stronger families result in stronger communities and a stronger nation. Families are amazing. I'm so grateful to be part of an amazing family.

Okay, here are excerpts from the first article:

Two people meet and fall in love. They make a commitment to navigate life as partners and proceed toward what they envision as a perfect, fairy-tale ending. Then they have children. Or run into financial problems. And don't even get them started on the in-laws. They slowly begin re-evaluating their commitment to each other. ...how individuals communicate with one another during the challenging times ultimately determines whether the relationship can remain strong and whether the romance can remain alive. (I like that the writer mentioned both of these points because they're both important.) ...both partners must value each other's differences, understand each other's needs and take an interest in responding appropriately to each other. ...you have to give the relationship priority over individual needs.

"I think there are too many people that are looking for a good partner, but they aren't all that interested in being a good partner." (I would have said becoming a better partner.)

The therapist had often helped couples simply listen to each other without interruption... "People need to develop a culture of appreciation for one another..."

The second article centered on a recent study of couples who have been married a long time (40+ years). Here are some of its points:

More Americans are reaching and exceeding the 40th wedding anniversary.

Everybody starts with what they think is true love, but it takes many years of living together for that deep love to take hold.

A woman in the survey said, "Leaving was never an option. Even in some of our darkest days, it was never discussed. We loved each other. We were going to go forever. If you weather storms together, which we have over the years, and if you grow closer rather than apart, then in the future you can weather just about anything."

OK, but what exactly does that involve?

"...negotiation, as well as having both shared and individual interests. ... respect is the key." Communication, respect and shared interests are among the themes emerging from the interviews. Couples develop a communication style and openness, and from that comes common interests and respect for the individual.

The study was done by a guy who teaches a marriage course in college. He wants his students to learn that sooner or later, every marriage faces difficulties.

“The key is how you overcome obstacles,” he said. “Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s bad. It means you’re working through something you’re committed to.”

Roger likes to talk to other couples about the necessity, wisdom, and value of the incompatibilities between men and women, husbands and wives. He points out that our differences present opportunities for growth and progress, not to mention discovery and adventure. And I agree with him.