The Tiny Guide to Being a Great Dad

From the zenhabits blog:

Post written by Leo Babauta.

I am blessed with six wonderful children and a fantastic and lovely wife, and for this I am deeply grateful. But on a day like today, a lazy Sunday morning when my family is sleeping in and the soft light of the morning permeates the house, I reflect on what it’s like to be a dad.
Not just a dad … a great dad. This is a height I don’t always reach, but I believe I do inhabit that space sometimes. I’m a great dad, on my best days.
If you’re curious about my thoughts, as a dad of 19 years that has included countless sleepless nights, endless answering of questions, thousands of nursery rhymes sung and horsey rides given, hundreds of thousands of words read in children’s books, more than my share of wiping up spitup, poopie butts and much more … here is my offering to the world.
Don’t worry, it’s a fairly simple guide.

The Three Rules

There are only three things you need to do to be a great dad:
1. Be there. If you’re in their lives, you rock. If you’re there when they scrape their knee, lose their first tooth, need someone to cry to, need help with their school project, want a partner for playing house or hide-and-seek … you are already being a great dad. Be there, when they need you, and when they don’t.
2. Love them. They will know you love them, if you love them fully. It will show in your smile, in your touch, in your good-morning hugs. But also tell them on a regular basis. Infuse all your dad actions with love.
3. Be present. It’s great to be in the same room with them, but as much as you can afford to, be fully present with them. Shut off the mobile device, close the laptop, turn off the TV, and really pay attention. Listen to their long fragmented stories. Really watch when they want to show off their new wizard or ninja move.
That’s it. That’s all you need to be a great dad. Well, there are some bonus moves, but those are just extensions of the above three.

The Bonus Moves

If you want some specifics of how to do the above three rules, here are some ideas:

1. Sing with them.
2. Run around with them.
3. Make believe with them.
4. Read to them daily.
5. Dance with them.
6. Tell them corny jokes.
7. Paint with them.
8. Make videos where they are the star.
9. Set a healthy example by being active and eating well.
10. Show them how to be independent.
11. Teach them critical thinking, rather than just obedience.
12. Teach them how to teach themselves.
13. Don’t nag.
14. Don’t be overprotective.
15. Show them you’re proud of them.
16. Let them make mistakes.
17. When they get hurt, use that moment to teach them how to deal with pain.
18. Show interest in what they’re interested in, and don’t make it seem trivial.
19. Show them how to work passionately.
20. Spend some quiet cuddly time with them.
21. Make them pancakes with faces.
22. Have Nerf dart gun fights.
23. Play board games.
24. Take them on hikes.
25. Play sports with them.
26. Show them how to use a knife.
27. Be honest.
28. Honor your commitments.
29. Love your wife, and treat her with respect.
30. Be compassionate to others, and them.
31. Be happy with yourself.

Agency and Inspiration

This is a talk I listened to in person when I was full-time student at BYU.   I reread it in this month's New Era and found it well worth sharing:


By Elder Bruce R. McConkie (1915–85), Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

When we dwelt in the presence of God our Heavenly Father, we were endowed with agency. This gave us the opportunity, the privilege, to choose what we would do—to make a free, untrammeled choice. … We’re expected to use the gifts and talents and abilities, the sense and judgment and agency with which we are endowed.

But on the other hand, we’re commanded to seek the Lord, to desire His Spirit, to get the spirit of revelation and inspiration in our lives. We come unto the Church and a legal administrator places his hands upon our head and says, “Receive the Holy Ghost.” This gives us the gift of the Holy Ghost, which is the right to the constant companionship of that member of the Godhead, based on faithfulness.

And so we’re faced with two propositions. One is that we ought to be guided by the spirit of inspiration, the spirit of revelation. The other is that we’re here under a direction to use our agency, to determine what we ought to do on our own; and we need to strike a fine balance between these two. …

Well, I’d like, if I may, to present three case studies, out of which, perhaps, we can draw some very realistic and sound conclusions as to what ought to be in our lives. I’ll take these illustrations out of the revelations that the Lord has given us.

“You Have Not Understood”

Case study number 1: There was a man named Oliver Cowdery. … He wrote down the words that the Prophet dictated while the Spirit rested upon him in the translation processes (the Book of Mormon was then being translated). Brother Cowdery was relatively spiritually immature at that time, and he sought and desired to do something beyond his then present spiritual capacity. He himself wanted to translate. And so he [asked] the Prophet, the Prophet took the matter up with the Lord, and they got a revelation. The Lord said, “Oliver Cowdery, verily, verily, I say unto you, that assuredly as the Lord liveth, who is your God and your Redeemer, even so surely shall you receive a knowledge of whatsoever things you shall ask in faith, with an honest heart, believing that you shall receive.” And then one thing he might receive is defined as “a knowledge concerning the engravings of old records, which are ancient, which contain those parts of my scripture of which has been spoken by the manifestation of my Spirit” [D&C 8:1].

Having thus dealt with the specific problem, then the Lord revealed a principle that applies to it and all other like situations: “Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation” (D&C 8:2–3). …

… And so he asked. And as you know, he failed; he was totally unable to translate. … The matter was referred back to the Lord, whose promise they had been attempting to conform to; and the answer came, the reason came, why he couldn’t translate: “You have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me” (D&C 9:7).

Now, seemingly, that’s all he’d been instructed to do, to ask in faith; but implicit in asking in faith is the precedent requirement that we do everything in our power to accomplish the goal that we seek. We use the agency with which we have been endowed. We use every faculty and capacity and ability that we possess to bring about the eventuality that may be involved. Now, this is translating the Book of Mormon, it’s choosing a wife, it’s choosing employment, it’s doing any one of 10,000 important things that arise in our lives. …

“Why Are You Asking Me?”

Now, case study number 2: … [The Jaredites] got to the waters that they were going to cross, and the Lord said to [the brother of Jared], “Build some barges.” …

[The barges] were going to be used under some peculiar and difficult circumstances, and [the brother of Jared] needed something more than was now present in them: he needed some air. And this was a problem that was beyond him. So he took that matter up with the Lord, and because it was totally beyond his capacity to solve, the Lord solved it for him and said, “Do thus and so and you’ll have air.”

But then the brother of Jared—having confidence because he was talking to the Lord, because he was communing and getting answers—asked another question: … “What will we do for light in the vessels?”

And the Lord talked to him about it a little, and then He said this: “What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels?” (Ether 2:23). In other words, “… I’ve given you your agency; you are endowed with capacity and ability. Get out and solve the problem.”

Well, the brother of Jared got the message. He went up into a mount called Shelem, and the record says he “did molten out of a rock sixteen small stones; and they were white and clear, even as transparent glass” (Ether 3:1). …

And the Lord did what the brother of Jared asked, and this is the occasion when he then saw the finger of the Lord; and, while he was in tune, he received revelation that exceeded anything that any prophet had ever gained up to that moment. The Lord revealed more to him about His nature and personality than ever theretofore had come forth, and it all came about because he’d done everything that he could do and because he counseled with the Lord.

There’s a fine balance between agency and inspiration. We’re expected to do everything in our power that we can and then to seek an answer from the Lord, a confirming seal that we’ve reached the right conclusion; and sometimes, happily, in addition, we get added truths and knowledge that we hadn’t even supposed.

“They Shall Counsel between Themselves and Me”

Now, case study number 3: In the early history of the Church, the Lord commanded the Saints to assemble in a certain place in Missouri. … Now notice what happened. The Lord is talking:

“As I spake concerning my servant Edward Partridge, this land is the land of his residence, and those whom he has appointed for his counselors; and also the land of the residence of him whom I have appointed to keep my storehouse;

“Wherefore, let them bring their families to this land, [and here’s the point] as they shall counsel between themselves and me” [D&C 58:24–25; emphasis added]. …

You see, the Lord said “assemble” to Zion. The details and the arrangements, however, the how and the when and the circumstances, are to be determined by the agency of those who are called to assemble, but they are to counsel with the Lord. …

Now, after the Lord had said this to the Presiding Bishopric of the Church, He gave the principle that governed in that situation, and it governs in all situations. And this is one of our glorious revealed truths. He said:

“For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

“Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness” [D&C 58:26–27; emphasis added]. …

Now, those are the three case studies; let us come to the revealed conclusion. …

… If you learn how to use the agency that God has given you, and if you try to make your own decisions, and if you reach conclusions that are sound and right, and you counsel with the Lord and get His ratifying seal of approval upon the conclusions you’ve reached, then you’ve received revelation, for one thing; and for another thing, you’re going to have the great reward of eternal life, be lifted up at the last day. …

God grant us wisdom in these things. God grant us the courage and the ability to stand on our own feet and use our agency and the abilities and capacities we possess; then let’s be sufficiently humble and amenable to the Spirit to bow our will to His will, to get His ratifying, confirming seal of approval, to get in our lives, in that way, the spirit of revelation. And if we so do, there’s no question about the result: it’s peace in this life; it’s glory and honor and dignity in the life to come.

You can also listen to it (not by Elder McConkie).

http://mormonchannel.org/magazines/new-era/2012/6/agency-and-inspiration-

The ear is the road to the heart.

Listening is an art form. In this technological age in which multiple devices sharply curtail the need for personal communication, let's hope it isn't a dying art form — that text or email screens never replace the human ear.

"The ear is the road to the heart," wrote French philosopher and historian, Voltaire (1694-1788).

Many years ago, a man who was then a stake patriarch answered a knock at his door to find a prominent member of the community standing there. After he was welcomed inside, the visitor explained he had come for counsel. Business reverses had begun to affect his health, he explained. For three hours, the visitor spoke of his worries, concerns and problems.

The patriarch, later speaking of the visit without disclosing the identity of the visitor, said, "All I did was listen. I nodded now and again to let my friend know I was alert. But mostly, I just listened" (Church News, Jan. 13, 1985, p. 16).

Good listening is the antidote to many ills.

"What people need is a good listening to," wrote Mary Lou Casey, a modern-day poet and columnist whose homespun wit — filled with wise insight — was captured on a greeting card.

A lesson on the importance of listening was taught by President Harold B. Lee, the 11th president of the Church, as he told of an experience of one of his daughters with her firstborn son:

"It was a warm summer night, and Mother was trying to finish canning some apricots.

"As she worked frantically, her two little sons, one aged 4 and the other 3, came pajama-clad into the kitchen. They were ready for her to hear them say their prayers.

"Not wishing to be interrupted, she said, 'Now boys, why don't you just run in and say your prayers alone tonight and Mother will keep working with these apricots.'

"David, the older of the two tots, paused in front of his mother, and then said: 'But Mommy, which is more important, prayers or apricots?' ".

Many problems could be solved, or avoided altogether, if parents listened to their children and children listened to their parents, and if teachers and other adults listened to the young people in their charge. Sometimes, problems are solved not because of great actions taken but because someone listened.

A school teacher had some difficulties with a "problem student," a 14-year-old young man. The teacher did just about everything she could think of to make things easier. In exasperation one day, she asked,
"What in the world is your problem?"

The boy said, "I'm hungry."

This was in the days before schools in the United States had free lunch programs for students who could not afford to buy food in the cafeteria. The teacher asked why he didn't bring a lunch from home.

"Grandma won't let me," he said.

The teacher spoke with the guidance counselor, who discovered that the student lived with his grandmother who, in the kindest terms, could be described as "mean as a rattler." The woman, who later was diagnosed as being mentally ill, kept locks on the food cupboards and refrigerator in her house; she allowed her grandson to eat only one bowl of cold cereal for breakfast. She would not let him take any food out of the house.

A way was found for him to have lunch every day. Because the teacher listened, the young man became much less of a "problem student."

Often, when a tragedy or disaster happens, volunteers rush to give assistance. They clear debris from homes devastated by floods, tornadoes, hurricanes or other acts of nature. They clean carpets and walls. They bring in food, clothing and even toys for children. They endeavor to fill every need they can see.

Some people, unable to offer physical labor or monetary donations, serve by listening. These listeners can be found just about anywhere there is human suffering, tragedy, sorrow or disappointment: amid the twisted ruins of an F5-level tornado or the ashes of a home lost to fire, in a waiting area outside a hospital's operating room, in a care center's room where resides a man or woman no longer able to tend to the ins and outs of daily living, in a quiet corner of school grounds where a young man or young woman is caught in the social throes of adolescence, on the playground where a child wails, "No one likes me!"

A listening ear goes far in alleviating pain, lessening sorrow, cheering up a sad countenance. Indeed, as Voltaire opined, it is the road to the heart.

Family Reunions

This is from last week's Music & the Spoken Word broadcast:

Family reunions are more important today than ever. In a world where relationships are too easily discarded, in a society that keeps us so busy, we need family. We need the strength of generations—both those that came before us and those that come after us.

Family reunions help us reconnect with loved ones and remind us of what really matters. Reunions need not be extravagant affairs—they can be as simple as an afternoon in the park or a barbeque in the backyard. The food, decorations, program, and activities are not as important as the gathering itself: just getting together, remembering and sharing stories, and renewing family bonds.

Some family members might consider such gatherings unpleasant or boring. One family recalls that their teenage children were not looking forward to the long drive and full-day commitment it would take to attend a family reunion. But their parents persisted and eventually delighted in the change of attitude they witnessed. At the reunion, the teenage son talked sports with a cousin he did not know he had, and he ended up with a new friend. The daughter realized she was not the only person with hard-to-manage hair, and she was able to get advice from other family members who had the same problem.

Family reunions create memories, connect family members, and build continuity from generation to generation. As families gather to celebrate their roots, they learn things about each other—and themselves. They are inspired by family stories, keep their family history alive, and gain wisdom and strength from the elders in their clan.

In every family, there comes a day when a beloved family member is no longer there to recount the family lore. So now might be a good time to gather together. Be a family. Have a reunion.

We are looking forward to our Family Reunion!

Modesty in Women

I saw this on the Five Love Languages blog and wish it could be shared and appreciated with as many people as possible.

May 28, 2012

Q&A: I’ve observed that Christian parents aren’t reinforcing the truth that women ought to dress modestly. Do you have an opinion?

Well I must confess that I sometimes have the same feeling when I simply walk around in public places and see young ladies or teenagers dressed in ways that are very provocative. I want to take this question as an opportunity to say to parents: Please understand the difference between males and females. Men are sexually attracted by sight and the way a woman dresses draws the attention of a man toward her or he simply sees her and respects her as a woman. How she dresses makes a huge difference in how he responds. So I hope parents will hear what we’re saying and will take this seriously and have honest conversations with their young daughters about this.

AAMT: Lesson 3 - THE ANATOMY OF EMOTION, part 2

The relationship between thinking and the resulting emotion or feeling is lawful and orderly.  Let me describe the thinking and feeling process by using the following diagram:

A.  Perception or Activating Event
      1. Sight
      2. Sound
      3. Touch
      4. Taste
      5. Smell
B. Thinking, Evaluating, Storing
      Neocortix
      Limbic System
      Lungs and Chest
      Heart
C. Feeling
      Stomach and Intestines
      Other Glands and Organs

This process is referred to as the ABC of emotion:  A is the activating event or situation; B is the belief or evaluative thinking related to A; C is the consequence or feeling that results from the thinking done (B) related to A.  We will talk more about this model in Lesson 4 when we discuss how you go about doing a rational self-analysis (RSA).

Perceptions about facts, events, or situations are made available to us through some form of sensation (A) entering through one or more of the five senses or being created within.  The perception is processed by thinking and evaluating (B) in the neocortex (part of the brain).  It is also stored in the form of a memory.  This stored information can be used immediately or retrieved and used later.  (This, very likely, is a key part of the process by which we create and maintain attitudes.)  The kind of thinking one does about a given perception activates the limbic system (another part of the brain), which controls the autonomic nervous system that in turn controls and activates the vital organs directly or indirectly, resulting in a feeling (C).

The vital organs themselves have no reasoning power to decide how to react in a given situation.  The depend on the thinking or "self talk" that goes on in the neocortex for their activating cues.

Even if the kind of thinking that goes on in the neocortex results in a negative, undesirable feeling, there is a way for us to change that feeling.  Stated plainly, the best way for one to feel better is to think better.  Negative feelings are the direct result of negative thoughts.  Positive feelings are the result of positive thoughts.  It is a relatively simple law of cause and effect.  American philosopher and psychologist William James said,  "The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind."

The process outlined and illustrated above is not only lawful and orderly, but also medically and scientifically verifiable.

All information received through the five senses is processed, evaluated, and compared in the neocortex.  The brain is a blindly functioning organ.  Like a camera, it records everything that comes into it.  We call the recording process memory.  Actually, every normal person has perfect memory.  When you say you have a b ad memory, you actually mean that you have a faulty recall.  The brain records everything you experience, even if you are not consciously aware of having had the experience.  It stores not only raw data, but also all the information that has undergone evaluative processing.  Then this information is stored away as memories, attitudes, and beliefs.  Truth and error, and fact and fiction, are all stored in the same way you processed them.  They are retrieved or recalled in the same for also, one reason we each have such vastly different attitudes or opinion about the same fact, situation, or event.

Located within the neocortex is the portion of the brain known as the limbic system.  Its function is the control or regulation of the autonomic nervous system.  The autonomic nervous system in turn regulates and controls the functioning of the internal organs and glands.

In simple form, here is how you produce an emotion.  First, you become aware of the fact, situation, or event through one of the senses.  Once registered in the neocortex, it is processed according to your way or habit of processing.  Next, the limbic system is activated and sends its messages through the autonomic nervous system to the internal organs and glands.  The automatic-like functioning of the the organs and glands are thus altered.  You call the resulting physiologic sensation "feeling" or "emotion."

I realize that this is a gross oversimplification of what happens; however, it is sufficient for the purposes of this lesson.

Ode to joy: 5 steps to greater happiness

I received this article in my email and thought I'd share:

By Arleen Fitzgerald, L.I.C.S.W.
What's your joyful noise? A whisper of gratitude for a stunning sunset? A belly laugh at a child's sweet silliness? A "Yes!" for a challenge mastered?

No matter how you express it, you deserve and need joy in your life. And, whatever its source — from a drowsy pup on your lap to a parchment diploma in your hand — it doesn't just feel fabulous. Blissful moments can also give your well-being a boost.

What's joy got to do with it?
Many activities that create feelings of happiness — being lively, joking around, helping others — can also have physical benefits, such as:

• Lower risk of illness
• Improved circulation and heart health
• A rise in feel-good endorphins
• Relief from stress and depression

So, for health and happiness, try these five tips for experiencing greater joy:

1. Chortle, snicker or snort. Laughter that is hearty is healthy, too. In fact, it's good for your heart health — and can relax muscles and reduce pain. So, video chat with that friend who always makes you laugh. Chuckle over the Sunday comics. Giggle through a comedy clip. Or, maybe even try a laughter yoga class or DVD. (Yes, there is such a thing!)

2. Delight in play dates for grown-ups. From racquetball with your best buddy to hopscotch with the neighborhood kids, being playful can kick up your mood and confidence. And, when your activity gets you moving, you're getting good exercise to boot!

3. Slow down, too. In the rush of our busy lives, moments of quiet joy can pass us by. Whether you relax by sitting in the evening shade, listening to sweet harmonies or doing tai chi in the park, be a regular in the pursuit of peace.

4. Savor with your senses. Dew on lush, green grass ... the earthy scent of fresh rosemary ... a crunchy bite of a deep-purple plum that bursts with juice. Make it a practice to relish the joy in small things.

5. Be generous. Whether you give time or money, big or small, generosity is a proven source of happiness. So, leave a kind comment on a blog, pay someone's toll, donate blood, thank your bus driver or let someone merge into your lane.

Finally, share your joyful noise. Talking about happy events brings pleasant memories. And, since positive feelings are contagious, when you share them, others might follow in your footsteps toward greater joy — and better health.