Creating an Enviroment for Raising Self-Reliant, Respectful Children

Daryl Hoole gave a presentation to BYU alumna last week and my dear VT went to it and took notes which she shared with me.  I'm passing them along because they seem like a great foundation for parenting today and forever.  Enjoy!      

                                                









                                                                                                            
1.  A loving and listening environment

• Listen to understand
• Give them our time
• Listen with eyes and ears.  Our body language needs to be such that they know we are listening
• The bishop setting his wife apart:  "I promise you that I will give you my best, not what is left over
• Oct. 2009 Gen Conf, Elder Oaks' talk about Love and Law

2.  An exemplary environment

• Always set the example of the behaviors you want your children to demonstrate.  

3.  A respectful, kind, caring environment

• Children mimic behaviors.  If you want to see and hear what children are learning in the home, listen to how they play with and talk to their stuffed toys.  Children are taught how to be disrespectful by society.
• Zero tolerance policy for disrespect
• Turn those disrespectful moments into teaching moments even if it has to wait until everyone has cooled down.
• April 2012 Gen Conf, Pres. Uchtdorf - If something isn't right in your life, then stop it.
• 5:1 ratio of kind words to criticism (John Gottman found that for every criticism and negative comment there has to be at least 5 compliments and positive comments.

4.  A teaching and training environment

• Give children age appropriate chores such as fluffing pillows on the bed first and straightening blankets as they progress
• November 2012 Reader's Digest article "Happy Habit: Make Your Bed!  "The state of your bed is the state of your head.  
• Teach children to respect their own things.  Put toys away.  Put the house to bed before you go to bed.  Managing ones own room well leads to greater responsibility such as using appliances and eventuallyall the way to using a car.  
• Respecting things leads to respecting people which leads to respecting ideals
• Self-reliant children will read the directions.  : )  Her granddaughter asked for help with sewing a zipper.  Sister Hoole had another obligation but said she would help when she got home later that evening.  When she returned the granddaughter had a beautifully sewn-in zipper (which she had never attempted before).  "Who did you ask for help?"  "No one.  I read the directions for the sewing machine and the zipper"  
• If children become too busy/rushed in life to make their beds and do their chores then it's time to trim back the time spent on jobs, school activities, etc.  (She took child home from school to make bed.)
• Required tasks and hired tasks.  Required are the cleaning of rooms, bathrooms, helping prepare meals, regular household chores.  Hired tasks (which children are paid to do) are the extras such as washing windows, performing minor repairs, etc.
• There is no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to be a good mother.  :) :) :)

5.  A gospel-centered environment

• Children sense and know what the priorities are in the home.  There are MANY things in life that are important and can appear or become overly-emphasized priorities.  (Elder Oaks' Oct 2007 Gen Conf message - Good, better, best)  What are the priorities in your home?  Cars?  Music?  Food?  Jobs?  Culture?  Education?  Whatever they are, children sense it.  "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you"
• Jacob Hamblin home:  Chairs around the dinner table faced outward as a physical reminder that prayer was the first priority.
• Link good food to church/sabbath.  Everyone participates in preparing by knowing their responsibility a couple days before.  Who has the salad?  Who will make dessert?  Rolls?  Clean up?  If the food is good and looked forward to as part of the feeling of the Sabbath, it can help children learn to love the special feel of the Sabbath as they grow in the gospel.
• Mosiah 4:14-15  (Not cause children to quarrel one with another...)
• Elder Neal A Maxwell, Apr 1974 Gen Conf (quoting William Law)  "If you have not chosen the kingdom of God first, it will in the end make no difference what you have chosen instead."

Thoughts for Thanksgiving

The following comes from the Latter-day Conservative newsletter, with a few reminders of what modern prophets have said on the subject of giving thanks for the Constitution and liberty and was emailed to me by a friend who is dedicated to preserving our liberty:

 

David O. McKay:

“I should like to express gratitude this Thanksgiving season for this great country, for the Constitution of the United States which grants to each individual liberty, freedom to think and to speak and to act as he pleases, just so long as each gives to the other man that same privilege. I am thankful for this country which has given more persons opportunity to raise themselves under an individualistic, capitalistic, free enterprise system from menial to commanding positions than any other nation in the world, past or present.”

( Source: David O. McKay, “Faith and Freedom: Two Guiding Principles of the Pilgrims” 322; also in Treasures of Life 144-45 )

Ezra Taft Benson:

“I am very grateful today that prayer has played such an important part in the establishment of this great nation. To every Latter-day Saint this nation has a prophetic history. Ancient American prophets predicted the coming forth of this nation and the establishment of the Constitution of this land. You can read in that sacred volume, the Book of Mormon, prophecies made centuries before this nation was established regarding the coming of Columbus and the Pilgrim fathers. Ancient prophets said these would humble themselves before the Lord. I have always been very grateful in reading the official records to find that they did humble themselves before the Lord; that their first official act in coming to these shores was to go on to their knees in humble gratitude and thanksgiving to the Lord.”

( Source: Ezra Taft Benson. General Conference Talk – October 1956. “The Importance of Prayer” )

Brigham Young:

“It was in this [American] government, formed by men inspired of God, although at the time they knew it not, after it was firmly established in the seat of power and influence, where liberty of conscience, and the free exercise of religious worship were a fundamental principle guaranteed in the Constitution, and interwoven with all the feelings, traditions, and sympathies of the people, that the Lord sent forth His angel to reveal the truths of heaven as in times past, even as in ancient days. This should have been hailed as the greatest blessing which could have been bestowed upon any nation, kindred, tongue, or people. It should have been received with hearts of gratitude and gladness, praise and thanksgiving

“But as it was in the days of our Savior, so was it in the advent of this new dispensation. It was not in accordance with the notions, traditions, and preconceived ideas of the American people. The messenger did not come to an eminent divine of any of the so-called orthodoxy, he did not adopt their interpretation of the Holy Scriptures. The Lord did not come with the armies of heaven, in power and great glory, nor send His messengers panoplied with aught else than the truth of heaven, to communicate to the meek, the lowly, the youth of humble origin, the sincere enquirer after the knowledge of God. But He did send His angel to this same obscure person, Joseph Smith, Jun., who afterwards became a Prophet, Seer, and Revelator, and informed him that he should not join any of the religious sects of the day, for they were all wrong; that they were following the precepts of men instead of the Lord Jesus; that He had a work for him to perform, inasmuch as he should prove faithful before Him.

“No sooner was this made known, and published abroad, and people began to listen and obey the heavenly summons, than opposition began to rage, and the people, even in this favored land, began to persecute their neighbors and friends for entertaining religious opinions differing from their own.”
( Source: Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 2:170-72 )

Ezra Taft Benson:

“It’s a great blessing to live in America. It’s a great blessing to have the opportunity to enjoy the freedoms which are ours today. I have seen people, thousands of them, who have lost the freedom which is ours, where they can no longer meet, as we meet here this morning, and express themselves as they see fit, where they no longer have freedom of movement, freedom to select their own jobs, their own educational opportunities, freedom to speak their minds, to write what they wish – freedom of enterprise. In many parts of the world today these rich blessings of freedom no longer exist.

“I don’t know how you feel, my brethren and Sisters, but I’d rather be dead than lose my liberty. I have no fear we’ll ever lose it because of invasion from the outside, but I do have fear that it may slip away from us because of our own indifference, our own negligence as citizens of this land. And so I plead with you this morning, that you take an active interest in matters pertaining to the future of this country.”

(Source: “The LDS Church and Politics“, Ezra Taft Benson, BYU Devotional, December 1, 1952)

Early Christmas for Young Cancer Patient

Matthew, Robert, Sarah, Nathan, Dawn and Tabitha Norman pose. (Courtesy Dawn Norman)

While most of us are enjoying Thanksgiving week and stretching out for the sprint to Dec. 25, young Nathan Norman of Rustburg, Va., has been celebrating Christmas since September.

His journey to an early Christmas in 2012 began with a misdiagnosis on Christmas Eve, 2007. Darting eyes and seizures were attributed to benign paroxysmal vertigo of childhood, a type of migraine and vertigo disorder. He had not yet celebrated his first birthday.

Nathan’s mother, Dawn, recalls their relief that test results didn’t suggest anything worse. Her doctor’s words still ring in her ears. “I would have hated to bring you the news on Christmas Eve that your child has a tumor.”

The year ahead was a swift, steady stream of stress and seizures, but tests repeatedly came back clear and clean for anything more troubling. That would change on Jan. 14, 2009, when an MRI discovered an astrocytoma brain tumor in his fourth ventricle.

Robert, Nathan, Sarah, Matthew, Dawn and Tabitha Norman reflect on heaven during a summer trip to the beach. (Courtesy Dawn Norman)

Many of us might have clung to blame and hard feelings, but the Norman family believed then and now that those dangerous emotions wouldn’t have served as a life preserver. Instead, they would have become a heavy anchor in angry waters. “It’s all in God’s timing,” said Dawn, who is Baptist.

The family was referred to Dr. Gerald Grant at Duke University’s renowned medical center. Dr. Grant’s team operated immediately and found the tumor had fingered into his brain stem. Despite their best efforts, they had no choice but to leave approximately 45 percent of the tumor in place.

Post-op treatments began, and Nathan fought on with the certainty that every new day was a gift from God. He had no fear, just faith. When asked to describe her son during this difficult time, Nathan’s mother chose three simple words: “faith, love, joy.”

The Nathan family, along with Chris Ellis (right) of "Gleaning for the World," admires a sleigh that appeared in their yard this fall. (Courtesy Dawn Norman)

When a spinal scan in 2011 revealed the cancer had moved south, Nathan’s parents explained that even though God hadn’t removed the tumor, heaven was using Nathan to touch lives and inspire people. With new challenges, Nathan and his team moved on once again with no fear, just faith.

This fall, the cancer began progressing yet again, and a heavy blend of medications has presented new and extremely challenging side effects. While returning from a round of treatments at Duke on Sept. 12, Nathan leaned forward and asked, “Daddy, can we put the Christmas tree up early? The lights might make me feel better.”

Nathan’s father couldn’t say yes fast enough.

Word of the Norman family’s early Christmas spread faster than a Pinterest recipe, and soon many in their neighborhood had put up their decorations, too. One generous business even left a giant sleigh in their front yard.

Robert Norman reminds his son, Nathan, he's still ticklish, as Robert's wife Dawn holds Nathan. (Courtesy Dawn Norman)

To add to their prefab celebration, friends and family began sending early Christmas cards, and, after an appearance on local television station WSET, the effort snowballed into a blizzard. Nathan had barely opened the first batch when cards began drifting into his mailbox from well beyond their small town of Rustburg. It’s easy to picture the excitement of this little believer as he digs into piles of cards and letters from others who’ve joined their long adventure to Dec. 25.

As Nathan prepares for the magic of December, his family looks to the future with remarkably clear eyes. They accept that he may not pass these calendar mile markers again. They know that this Thanksgiving could be his last and that this Christmas Eve could be their final together in this earthly life. But they forge forward with no fear, just faith.

When I asked Dawn how they communicate this blue-gray reality to their tender son, she explained that not everyone receives their healing on earth, but that all receive the ultimate healing in heaven. She added, “Nathan is not a victim. Whether God chooses to heal him on earth or in heaven, Nathan wins.”

The Normans posed for local photographers after a sleigh appeared in their front yard for their early Christmas. (Courtesy Dawn Norman)

I do not know if those words brought tears to Nathan’s eyes, but they did mine.

As I sat in my small office this week, I was overcome at the difficulty of reshaping such a massive, moving story into so few words in a weekly column that has firm limits and boundaries. I've found that Nathan Norman’s story is much bigger than a newspaper page or a few digital inches on a website.

It’s a story of siblings who receive too little attention from the world as they carry their own burdens into their brother’s painful battle with cancer. Sarah, Matthew and Tabitha are remarkable warriors, too, with their own brave stories to tell.

It’s a story of neighbors and friends who’ve willingly carried extra loads so that the family can seek as many memories together as possible.

Nathan Norman adds snow to his front yard sleigh. (Courtesy Dawn Norman)

It’s a story of a faithful boy who will one day meet Jesus, but who doesn’t need to see his face to know he already lives.

Would you like to send Nathan Norman a Christmas card?

Nathan Norman

81 Dunivan Dr.

Rustburg, VA 24588

To learn more about Nathan or to donate, visit his CaringBridge page atwww.caringbridge.org/visit/nathannorman

Three Great Reasons to Give Thanks

BY JOHN HILTON III AND ANTHONY SWEAT

Adapted, with permission, from Why?: Powerful Answers and Practical Reasons for Living LDS Standards, published by Deseret Book.

Doctrine and Covenants 59:21 says, “And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments.”

The two things that “offend God” the most are ingratitude (confessing not His hand) and disobedience. Let’s learn why we should be grateful so that we don’t offend God.

Reason #1: Being Grateful Makes You Happier and Healthier

You’ve heard the hymn “Count Your Blessings” (Hymns, no. 241). But did you know that literally counting your blessings increases your emotional health? Researchers had one group of students write for 20 minutes each day about things they were grateful for, a second about things they were angry about, and a third about random topics like the color of their shoes. Guess which group was happiest at the end of the experiment? The ones who wrote about things they were grateful for of course!

Even more interesting is that those who wrote about the things they were grateful for were less likely to be sick throughout the semester.1

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (1917–2008) said gratitude “is a quality I have found in every happy person I know” (“Live in Thanksgiving Daily,” Ensign, Sept. 2001, 8). Do you know any happy person who is not grateful?

Reason #2: Being Grateful Helps You See More Blessings

There are many blessings that come from being grateful for the good things we enjoy. For the Strength of Youth says, “Live with a spirit of thanksgiving and you will have greater happiness and satisfaction in life” ([2001], 6). For example, what do you see in the picture at the right?

Chances are you probably noticed the black flowers. As Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, “The more often we see the things around us—even the beautiful and wonderful things—the more they become invisible to us. That is why we often take for granted the beauty of this world: the flowers, the trees, the birds, the clouds—even those we love. Because we see things so often, we see them less and less” (“Live in Thanksgiving Daily,” 11).

Did you notice the blue sky? The beautiful clouds? The mountains in the background? The many flowers that weren’t discolored? There are so many beautiful things to be grateful for, and as we practice being grateful we will notice them more and more.

Reason #3: There Are Sad Consequences of Ingratitude

When people are not grateful they tend to complain, and that isn’t good for anyone. For example, even though the Lord had delivered the Israelites from slavery and given them manna to eat, they were not grateful. Notice what happens: “And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it” (Numbers 11:1). So the Lord hears when we complain, and He does not like it.

Something amazing about being grateful is that it’s in our control. We might not be able to make the varsity team or be elected student body president. We might not get asked out on dates or have the biggest muscles (we speak from personal experience). But we can control whether we have a grateful attitude.

Great blessings are promised to those who are grateful. The Lord said, “He who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more” (D&C 78:19). Let us follow the counsel of Paul who said, “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

I’d be happy if …

Some people have a hard time being grateful for what they have. They say, “I’d be happy if only I had [fill in the blank—a new car, an iPod, good hair, etc.].” Like the girl who says, “If I were 16 then I’d be happy.” Then she turns 16 and says, “If guys start asking me out, then I’ll be happy.” And then guys start asking her out, and when she’s older she says, “If I get a boyfriend then I’ll be happy.” Then she gets a boyfriend and says, “If I can break up with my boyfriend, then I’ll be happy.” And so it goes. If we say, “I’ll be happy if … ,” the happiness may never come. But when we are grateful, we invite happiness to come immediately.

Take a Gratitude Challenge

We always talk about counting our blessings—let’s do it! Write a list of 100 things you are thankful for. Some might think that is too many. If that is the case, try this:

            •  Write 10 living people you are grateful for.

            •  Write 10 people who have died you are grateful for.

            •  Write 10 physical abilities you are grateful for.

            •  Write 10 material possessions you are grateful for.

            •  Write 10 things about nature you are grateful for.

            •  Write 10 things about today you are grateful for.

            •  Write 10 places on earth you are grateful for.

            •  Write 10 modern-day inventions you are grateful for.

            •  Write 10 foods you are grateful for.

            •  Write 10 things about the gospel you are grateful for.

When we make a list like this, we discover that a list of 100 doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of all the things God has given us.

Note

  1.  See Chad M. Burton and Laura A. King, “The health benefits of writing about intensely positive experiences,” Journal of Research in Personality 38, no. 2 (2004): 150–63.

Championing the Traditional Family

Here are some notes from an October Ensign article about the 2012  World Congress of Families held in Madrid, Spain.  You can read the article at:  

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/10/traditional-family-championed-at-world-congress?lang=eng&query=traditional+family+championed

Speaking about the rapid decline of the traditional family—father, mother, and children - Elder Kopischke said, ..."the solution includes promoting religious faith. “Not only do we need to rebuild trust in the value of marriage and family but also faith in God,” he said. “Religion plays a vital role when it comes to values, responsibility, and appropriate use of agency, which is our ability to make choices. Therefore, today I want to make a case for marriage and family, based and centered on a belief in God.”

Identifying marriage as part of the Judeo-Christian tradition, he cited Genesis 2:24, the commandment that a husband and wife “shall be one flesh.” He also quoted from “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” first presented by the Church in September 1995.

“A civilization and society can and will be only as strong as its families,” he said. “A family can and will only be as strong as the marriage on which it is based.”

“This Country Does Not Forget”

Last Sunday's Music & the Spoken Word reminded me of my dad and the many other valiant men and women who have sacrificed to preserve our liberty.

Fifty years ago, President John F. Kennedy spoke to members of the First Armored Division in Fort Stewart, Georgia, who had been deployed during the Cuban missile crisis. During his speech, he recited a poem:

“God and the soldier, all men adore
In time of danger and not before
When the danger is passed and all things righted,
God is forgotten and the soldier slighted.”

He continued by saying: “This country does not forget God or the soldier. Upon both we now depend.”¹

There are many ways a country can remember, ways we can show that we will never forget. In the United States, November 11th has been designated as Veterans Day, a day to “solemnly remember the sacrifices of all those who fought so valiantly, on the seas, in the air, and on foreign shores, to preserve our heritage of freedom, and . . . reconsecrate ourselves to the task of promoting an enduring peace so that their efforts shall not have been in vain.”²

But remembering does not happen on one day alone. We honor best those who have defended our freedoms abroad by defending each day those same freedoms here at home. We honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our country by willingly making our own daily sacrifices for the common good. This is how we as a nation show that we will never forget the soldiers or the worthy cause they fought for.

As we consider our soldiers past and present, let us give thanks that they are willing to give their all, even their “last full measure of devotion”³ in serving this land that we love. May we never forget God or the soldier.

1. In Suzy Platt, ed., Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations (1993), 326.
2. Dwight D. Eisenhower, in Federal Register, Oct. 12, 1952, 6545.
3. Abraham Lincoln, "Address at Gettysburg," in Lewis Copeland and others, eds., The World's Great Speeches, 4th ed. (1999), 315.

Your Patriarchal Blessing

BYU hosted a lecture by a woman named Daryl (rhymes with Carl) Hoole.  I used to listen to her at Ed Wk when I was a young mom.  At the end she suggested the following activity and it looks like an interesting way to study my patriarchal blessing, so I thought I'd pass her idea along:

All you need is a copy of your Patriarchal Blessing, a pen or pencil, and a large piece of paper folded in fourths and labeled as follows:

                      My Patriarchal Blessing

    1. Comfort and Validation                                                               2. Admonitions
        (Things to be grateful for)                                                              (Things to do)

     3. Warnings                                                                                 4. Promises and Blessings
         (Things to be aware of)                                                                (Things to strive for)

Then prayerfully and carefully read your patriarchal blessing and, line by line, list each thought on paper according to the four categories suggested above. It’s very likely that what appears on the paper will be something impressive and insightful, powerful and beautiful—something that will enhance the meaning and value of your patriarchal blessing as it guides you and blesses your life.